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Top Ten Most Popular Personal Stories

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1	My Life Program
2	Sandwich Model of Criticism
3	Diagnostic: Depression
4	Another Type of Disability
5	Temper Control
6	The Right to Love the Other Parent, Despite What the Other Feels
7	Surround Yourself with Positive Things
8	How Computers Simplified my Life.
9	Just Ask for Help
10	Celebration of Life


	My Life Program Sandwich Model of Criticism Diagnostic: Depression Another Type of Disability Temper Control


	*Running With Scissors:* A Memoir Augustein Burroughs *Too Scared To Cry:* Psychic Trauma in Childhood Lenore Terr *Running With Scissors* A Memoir Arnold J.J. Sameeroff, Michael Lewis, Suzanne

My Life Program
I was so frustrated and exhausted by the end of the day; I had no quality fun time with my girls. After I commuted 45 minutes from work, picked up my girls from daycare, fixed dinner and checked homework, I was a frazzled harried mess. A friend suggested that I 'cut out all the unimportant slices' from my life. I laughed in her face. She insisted, so I kept a list, of sorts, of all my activities for 2 full weeks. I found that there were several commitments where I could detangle myself.

Being the girls' assistant soccer coach
Heading up the social committee at work
Gossiping on the phone about this or that
Staying up late to watch TV
Surfing the Internet

My excuse for these activities was that they gave me time to "relax and unwind." Instead, it was eating up valuable time and energy. Now, I stick to a schedule - I call it my Life Program. Before I do anything, or say 'yes' to another request, I ask myself 'is this contributing to the life and health of my girls and me?' If the answer to this is 'no' then I don't do it.

Sandwich Model of Criticism
I learned something called the 'Sandwich Model of Criticism' when I was a first year teacher. The school principle told me that when I had to speak with a child, a colleague, or anyone about concerns, I should make a sandwich. She told me to 'place a bun of praise' on the plate first - compliment them and share some great things about their performance. Second, slowly and carefully place the 'hot meat on the bun' - choose your words of correction carefully and if possible encourage while you criticize. Don't burn others with your words. Last, place the top bun of praise on top of the meat - give another compliment and words of encouragement on how the person can succeed. Criticism is easier to swallow when it is prepared with twice as much praise. This model has helped me significantly with communicating with my kids and everyone else.

Diagnostic: Depression
Lilly, my daughter, was complaining of shortness of breath. We took her to see her pulmonologist assuming it was her asthma. Well, the pulmonologist spoke with Lilly's pediatrician and her psychiatrist because he didn't see anything wrong with her breathing. I was shocked when they concluded that the symptoms were caused by depression. We had to make some changes in our lifestyle and Lilly is now on medication to control her depression. It was really surprising, and wonderful to me to see the doctors were that concerned. I am so glad they worked together as a team, it has really paid off, Lilly is doing just great!

Another type of "disability"
Two of the most crushing words I heard were 'handicapped' and 'disability.' I had already felt that I had failed as a parent by not preventing the physical and sexual abuse my child suffered. Now I had to accept the fact my child was not coping with or recovering from the abuse and this was causing him to be emotional handicapped. I cried during the entire hour when the teachers and staff explained the IEP process. But, even though I was still having difficulty accepting that my child was 'disabled' I soon realized that there was a way to get through this. The way everyone from the school was so involved and willing to help showed me that they were definitely supportive and very concerned. The school counselor explained that we would work together to develop a specialized educational plan for my child. The plan we came up with included meeting with the counselor and attending some behavior management classes. I left the meeting still feeling sad and upset that my child was suffering, but, I also now felt like I had new hope and real support to help my child.

Temper Control
My former spouse is so critical, negative, and difficult to work with! I get edgy and emotional the day before he comes for visitation. Then I begin to feel queasy an hour before he comes to pickup the kids. Minutes after he arrives, we're in a shouting match over the kids over just about anything like medications, grades, homework, and return times. I end up feeling like a horrible example for my children and a failure. I lecture my boys about controlling their temper and I can't even control my own!

The Right to Love the other Parent, despite what the other feels.
I learned the hard way to 'bury the past.' Whenever my son would return from a weekend or holiday visit with his dad, I'd be a wreck. I was so filled with resentment that I would lash out against anything positive Scott would say about his father. It was awful. Scott and I would end up in a screaming match, where I'd call his father a 'jerk' and spew out all kinds of venom about what his father, my former husband, had done to me. Scott would end up feeling forced to defend his father. I woke up when Scott was 14. I guess he'd had enough. He got in my face and yelled back at me that the only one who cared about the past was me. His dad had moved on, he had found a loving wife, and was happy. Scott's grand parents, aunts, uncles, had moved on too, and the only time the divorce bothered Scott was when I brought it up. He told me that the only reason I got the short end of the stick was because I choose it! Ouch! That really hurt. My anger and bitterness was hurting me and I was inflicting pain on my child. I honestly had never thought of it from his point of view, Scott had a right to love his father, despite my feelings. I vowed never to speak this way again. I'm in counseling now and doing much better. I still struggle with feelings of resentment, jealousy, and anger, but now my son doesn't have to battle those feelings with me.

Surround Yourself with Positive Things
After the breakup, I became so depressed I was suicidal. My mom and best friend encouraged me to surround myself with positives - people, music, books, activities, TV programs. I started listening to uplifting, inspirational music and reading inspirational books. I joined a church and prayer group. I memorized Bible verses about emotional healing. I stopped hanging out with my friends who did nothing but complain. And, I sought out people that were optimistic. I stopped watching depressing TV programs for a while (including the news). And, I exercised. I got a dog that I could walk and jog with. I'm doing so much better. My kids fare better, too. Their mom is now an energetic positive influence in their lives. My ex-husband's shenanigans don't bowl me over anymore (I think that's what he wanted anyway). I'm so much stronger and happier now.

How Computers Simplified my Life.
I had a fear of computers for years. When my attorney politely suggested that I invest in a computer, fax machine and copier, I decided to go for it. The computer has been an incredible resource. Now I can e-mail my former spouse, copy messages and send them via email or fax to lawyers, doctors and caseworkers, and keep a file of anecdotal records. I can't stress how this has simplified my life! Below are some examples on how to keep records.

December 27th, 2001:
Billy finished his call with his mother and was very upset and angry. He said his mother had called daddy a "slob" and for Billy not to mention his name again. She said, "If you talk about him again I think I will throw up."

April 12th, 1999:
Rosemary returned over an hour late from visitation with daddy at 6:45pm. She was crying and complaining of pain on her bottom and legs. A visual inspection of her legs and bottom revealed raised welts and bruises. A picture was taken of the bruises and welts.

Just ask for Help
When my son started acting out in school, fighting, and showing signs of fear of men, I decided that I needed to start checking on his behavior with his teachers every day after school. I let the principal, school nurse, counselor, and special education instructors know about my concerns and what was going on so they would know what I was doing and why I was there so often. I was usually able to talk with each teacher about three times a week. I kept a journal in my purse and wrote down everything (I let them know that I was doing this) they said, even if it seemed inconsequential. Over the course of a school year, I had compiled a file of over 300 pages! After a while, it seemed that help was coming from all sides. The cafeteria workers, parent volunteers, librarian, and custodians became so familiar with me that they provided me information too. The anecdotal records were vital to my son's therapists.

Celebration of Life
When my Father passed away, my children had a tough time dealing with their Grandfather's loss because they were so close. Although I too was grieving, I asked my children to celebrate his life together. I asked them to each write a little paragraph of their favorite moments with him and go through the family photo album to pull out pictures of us. The entire family participated, including my husband. We prayed together and afterwards, read out-loud our favorite moments. There were definitely tears every now and then, but we also had a few chuckles remembering all the things my Father went through to raise the family without my mother. I made sure to pass one of his most valuable lessons to always be there for your family and keep they who have passed on, in your hearts forever.

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